Or as I like to call it, hell. I just learned that a friend of ours father was apparently given a terminal diagnosis. He shared that he wasn't prepared to only have his father around for approximately just another 180 days. This hits home, I haven't blogged in a while because of this very situation. Some of you will know this, for some it will be new..... My dad became ill last October and was admitted to the hospital. He was a cancer survivor of two years and was experiencing back pain, extreme fatigue and lack of appetite. As you have already guessed, his cancer was back. But it wasn't just back and manageable. He was in Stage 4 colo-rectal metastatic cancer. By the time they had found it (after a number of doctors and ER visits) the cancer had spread everywhere... his bones, liver, lungs and lymph nodes. He was in the hospital for two weeks and then thru a series of horrible events, he came home to be with me. Now don't take this wrong, I wanted my daddy to come home with me from day one. However, in order for this to happen he was hurt in the process by someone he loved dearly. This person (thing/witch/demon) wasn't deserving of his love but regardless received it. So I'm going to make a very long story short, hopefully. He was diagnosed the first of October and my daddy passed away Dec 9, 2009. We thought we had at least 9-12 months with dad. He felt like he would have a year or two. We knew in our hearts it wouldn't be long but never in my wildest thoughts did I think I would lose my dad in just two short months!
At this point, when someone you love receives this kind of news, that they only have so much longer to live..... I'm not sure if you are ceasing to live at that point also or if you're just holding your breath. Whichever, its not normal, nothing is. Simple statements regarding future plans are uttered with regret. I remember at Thanksgiving I asked my dad what he wanted for Christmas. He responded, under his breath where he thought I wouldn't hear, "I won't be here Christmas". I chose to ignore it and go on as he intended and "didn't" hear it. You feel guilty about everything you do that revolves around living. Maybe its different when the loved one lives with you, I don't know. It's like we were all practicing to die. Waiting to die, maybe? I don't know. I can't even describe it and I just went through it.
My dad asked me several times about how I was doing and how I was handling all "this". I always responded that I was fine and we'd be ok. I WISH that I had said.......... Dad you are one of my best friends and I love you SO much. I can not imagine life without you and I don't want to. I absolutely HATE this is happening and it pisses me off that it is. I'm not mad at you, I don't even know who or what I'm mad at. I just know that sometimes the anger consumes me and I want to hurt something or someone so bad!" That's what I wish I had told him. I wish that I had told him that I will never go a day without missing him. I wish that I had said all these things so that I would never doubt if he knew how much I love him. I didn't say these things because I didn't want to upset him. I didn't want to get him emotionally upset. I never stopped to think that maybe not saying it upset him more. Now I'll never know.
I thought that by hiding my emotions, by crying in the car or the bedroom....or the shower that I was protecting him. I didn't want him to see the stress. He already felt bad enough relying on us for so much. Altho I tried convincing him that he had supported me in so many ways my entire life that it was his turn to be taken care of he never stopped trying to find ways to help. My daddy was a proud man, a hard worker his whole life, he could not have accepted that he couldn't provide for himself. Another thing he didn't understand is that we felt blessed to have him with us. My kids got to spend more time with him in two months than they had in two years because of circumstances that surrounded who he lived with. I LOVED the time I had with my dad. I just wish I had done it better.
So all this to say, I have learned that when you love someone and they're given a terminal illness; there is no right or wrong. I believe that no matter what you will always second guess yourself, you will always have regrets and you will not be able to undo them. This makes me reflect now to everyday life.......... we should NEVER leave something undone. Never leave someone we love not knowing how we feel toward them. It sounds so cliche' but until you've been in my shoes, you don't realize how literal those words are.
Wow, its funny how even on a good day such as today...... my 7yr wedding anniversary, that grief and loss can sneak up on you and kick you in the butt! So I'm going to leave the sadness here, with ya'll until another day when I can sort thru it all and I'm going to enjoy an evening with my husband and family.
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